[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
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[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.