[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
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High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this