Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.

I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.

*From me

The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:

1) oh my god for me?!

2) this is the best day ever

3) this house is full of thieves trust no one

[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?

ME: let’s not fight

DOCTOR: you punched me

ME: you stabbed me

DOCTOR: with a needle

ME: let’s not fight

crochet youtube is brutal

If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping

Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.

Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough

My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.

They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.

Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.

[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello

It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.

My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.

Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂

Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!

Band: *plays Freebird*

Me: Well that backfired.

[holding a séance]

“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”

I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car

I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive

How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?

I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations

People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time

School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?

Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –

None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.

I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.

i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.

Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.

It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.

Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?

I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.

Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.