Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE

*carpools to work*

Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops

Kill them with kindness, you say?

*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*

The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.

Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.

Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.

I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.

181.

My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh

9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night

Me: Hang on, give me a…

7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep

[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!

They did not think through this water fountain

The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.

It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.

When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.

When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”

“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.

As a kid: the floor is lava

As a parent: the floor is Lego™️

STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!

We will we will drink you

STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!

*pours vodka after bad day*

Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.

Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam

I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.

Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.

Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7

If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.

pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest

me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x

pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here

me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands

“I set all the cattle free.”

– Reverse Cowgirl

Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that

I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.

me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything

her: sure

me: why