[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
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Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.