Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb

Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.

Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan

My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.

Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.

“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts

Canadian owl: Eh?

I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.

Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you

I brushed my hair and put on mascara to go look for a tree. Sup trees, how YOU doin

My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.

“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.

[3 years from now]

I can’t believe it’s still 2020.

i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there

Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc

interview tip #86

be honest when asked about yourself

[later]

interviewer: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

Construction sites are so shy. Let me see

[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?

Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.

How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.

interviewer: we just have one concern

me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought

interviewer: well it is now

interviewer 2: holy shit

interviewer 3: awesome

Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs

[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?

[Super Villain Team Tryouts]

COACH: Tell me what you can do

MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal

LOKI: I’m a god

THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!

Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers

“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.

My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.

I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.

I hope they like monopoly.

Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert