Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.

A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday

If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..

Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?

Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?

WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down

Ya’ll ok with me grating a lil bit of my finger into this cheese for the casserole? Too late.

Dear Mr. Horsefly:

Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.

Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.

I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.

She turned around and found out I was walking her home.

There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.

Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.

On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.

all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone

Me: I wish I were a bird.

Husband: So you can fly?

Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.

Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”

[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”

Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”

Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.

Me: Why are you threatening me?

That’s enough internet for the day

Jesus: *rises after three days*

God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.

Being an adult

Pros)You can eat anything you want

Cons)You can’t eat anything you want

If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.

6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?

Me: Uh

6: Nevermind, Siri…

There aren’t enough rap songs about cutting coupons.

Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?

just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude

I hope google does well on my son’s test

Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie

A huge thanks to the person that did this

I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.

my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area