Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.

Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried

Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.

For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.

I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.

One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”

Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related

Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.

CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma

CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid

When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”

I’m funny that way.

Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?

I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.

“Rogue One” idea:

The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.

Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.

“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”

I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?

all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.

“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”

“You mean the birds & the bees?”

“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”

The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.

Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.

No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”

It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase

Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*

[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA

[at a wine tasting]

Me: *sips and swishes*

Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store

I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”

We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this

heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead

the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine

School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.

The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”

[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*