Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili

Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure

The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:

Sup

Hello dear

Thanks for the follow!

Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?

My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it

Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n

can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)

I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.

[first day as a private investigator]

Boss: you’re late

Me: I couldn’t find the building

“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”

I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.

“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?

[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*

if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks

Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.

We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.

im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back

I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.

When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less

The guy:

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.

washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out

“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”

So after 75 long days, this week is finally over

scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?

other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?

scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours

Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!

Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…

An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.

Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut

why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”

How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.

It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang

Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4  kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away