Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.

Dog: No, I’m mad at you.

Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo

– Cole’s Law

We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.

SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper

ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?

Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.

“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”

“I’m sorry I feel that way.”

What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?

Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.

[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.

[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?

friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”

me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”

celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave

Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.

“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines

When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.

*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*

“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”

Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero

Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?

I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit

passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?

jackfruit: oh nothing

[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]

my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.

My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm

cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law

me: incompetent lawyer

cop: wha-

me: tainted evidence

cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that

Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.

Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?

Me: *chainsaw noises*

I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.

two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glof

no more questions

I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.

Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything