[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
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I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
A short story about romance.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean