[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
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Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
