Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips

ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.

ME: I’d wait until next week.

Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect

“Do you have vegan options?”

“I’m a black belt in tofu!”

the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again

Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”

Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.

[on the playground]

mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car

3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much

today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence

POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call

I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.

Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT

What to do when threatened by a bear:

1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.

Donating blood today to make room for more food

I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…

Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.

If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.

I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.

me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew

nurse: what mountain dew

me: it was on the bathroom counter

nurse: omg

me: what

nurse: u drank my mountain dew

[First Day Working At The Zoo]

Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.

Boss: They actually mated with each other?

Me: Oh not with each other

Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic

Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr

Cop lights are so pretty at night

Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.

And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.

what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat

Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.

Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”

Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!