Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.

I have OCD as well as ADD.

Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.

Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES

What in the hipster hell is going on here

Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)

Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice

[gym]

Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual

Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash

Who says great literature is dead?

Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

I texted my ex,

I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.

I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile

My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped

4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000

Me:

I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home

When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.

*cocks gun*

Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”

As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”

But I can’t.

Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.

If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future

SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox

PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?

idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page

That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?

Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them

I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.

4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?

Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?

it was love at first sight