Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.

<during sex>

Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?

Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.

Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.

Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?

Me: Here Cap.

Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?

ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.

BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?

If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.

“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police

Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…

I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.

Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”

I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”

“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”

Me : I have changed my mind.

Wife : Hope the new one is working.

Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.

Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good

Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.

I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”

The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?

Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.

a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians

I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”

I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.

I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything

I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.

Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight

BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god

“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”

-my dog, when I wax

I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.

Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor

She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!