Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The bar sign said

“WiFi password since1938”

And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time

Love bombing?

I’ve never even been love water ballooned

Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.

“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”

– me, peeping at you in the shower

Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one

Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”

JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.

GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.

LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.

I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.

Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.

interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?

me: i’m a slow learner

interviewer: well…that’s not good

me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to

No selfies while hijacking a train.

Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM

I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.

Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock

Him: *gets the handcuffs out*

Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*

Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?

too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now

After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.

Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.

If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff

Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.

barbara was highly relatable

Tracklist for Donda 2

1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D

“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly

A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.

This is why I hate group projects

Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.

[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”

Me, in DM rooms…

Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!

Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.