[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
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Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush