Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now

*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.

wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something

Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine

Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.

Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.

mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.

me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out

[45 mins later]

camera man: should we see other stuff now?

me: *out of breath* no

Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!

Masseuse: Please stop saying that

People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.

Me: are you going to be a better listener?

Pause

5: maybe is the best I can do

[at bank]

Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island

Define “toned.”

-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps

Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”

🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶

People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.

How do stick men play fetch with their dog?

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I want money.

WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.

Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.

Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running

I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO

Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!

Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.

Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you

13yo: Unless you really want some hand!

People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.

Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup

son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?

Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep

How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?