Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are

[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it

White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.

I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby

[ first date ]

me: i’d like to see you again

chameleon: oh sorry

me: there you are

Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.

I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol

[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.

I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂

Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off

Me: I have bad news about, Bob

Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?

Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no

Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”

the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do

hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities

FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!

ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on

My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”

I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS

Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.

Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.

Me:

Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?

Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.

I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”

STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius

(gets pulled over)

wife: be nice.

cop: do you have any drugs?

me: yeah man help yourself.

I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too

they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had

Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves

Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs

Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.