[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
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Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.