Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.

I don’t know what I’d do if a pen leaked in my mouth. I dread tooth ink.

Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”

My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”

Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.

The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”

The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids

[inventing tupperware]

make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti

Pro tip:

Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.

She’s still telling me.

Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.

My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.

I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.

me: *entering the ocean*

ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?

“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.

If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.

BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.

It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.

[aliens invading our home]

Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED

mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute

Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”

Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”

M: “This. This is why.”

2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics

In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.

A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.

I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.

I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.

*sigh

He’s never gonna let me down.

“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in

Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.

Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.