[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
she has a point
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
I just got an email saying ‘At Google earth we can read maps backwards!’
I thought, “That’s just spam.”
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.