[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
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6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Some people were born into their job.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.