Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.

But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.

First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem

My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.

[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor

I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.

Direct deposit: $1,400

Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*

@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?

Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?

Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?

Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*

Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*

Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*

Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.

Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?

So does Tequila….

That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th

Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???

My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process

Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point

My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.

Yo How the f##k you spell Matthew Micconohay

Kid at my door: Trick or treat

Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?

“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”

10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.

7: Noooooo, it’s booties!

My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.

She’s eleven.

I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.

I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.

Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit

*does the robot*

*crowd goes wild*

*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*

How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.

[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”

Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair

WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes

if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night

There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”