Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.

That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.

You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?

I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that

best buy employee: can i help you find anything

me: uh i’m good

best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin

me: how’d you get in my house colin

Dear rock bands,

If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.

[getting arrested after heist]

Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout

Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this

* wishes on shooting star

” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”

My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.

A ghost story

My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.

Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.

If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.

Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.

*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes

“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road

Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*

I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what

Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.

WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF

i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it

[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?

People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏

#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy

If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit

how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell

People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!

I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.