Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PREACHER: any prayer requests?

3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread

Ladies, if he:

– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteries

He’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.

The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them

Seductively sings in Klingon.

Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader

Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.

Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.

I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘

I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.

Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays

My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic

30’s tall, nice smile, secure job

40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice

Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?

a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup

HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.

-I say as I climb through your window

Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.

dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal

*calls in the SWAT team*

cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys

if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers

When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.

[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”

🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile

Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?

*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*

[cries for 20 minutes]

*uses Ouija board*

ＮＥＷ ＰＨＯＮＥ ＷＨＯ ＤＩＳ

My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.

It’s like looking in a mirror.

Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is

hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book

[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then

Me: You know what I don’t get?

Friend: Laid.

Me:

Friend:

Me: You know what else I don’t get?

If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.

I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”