Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!

[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?

The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.

Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.

7: Ding Dong.

Me: What?

7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.

Me: Oh. My. God. 😂

I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog

me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are

date: what are you having

me: an ok time

Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee

– book #1 of parent series

Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.

Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.

Them: The meek shall inherit the earth

the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good

My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.

Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.

Attention children:

Mom is closed.

Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever

[movie trailer]

IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES

*distant oinks and moo’s*

ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL

*dramatic music*

BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN

*slow piano music*

BEFORE HE HAD A FARM

*flying shot of rolling hills*

HE WAS…

*extreme close up*

YOUNG MACDONALD

[coming soon]

I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker

Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care

I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.

I was just discussing this with my cat

If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too

I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.

“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?

You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .

me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .

MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year

BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water

Survival Tip:

If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.

Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.