interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
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Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
shakira sharkira
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster