interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
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Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.