interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
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Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
💁🏻♂️
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
what could possibly go wrong?
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*