*interrupts dinner

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King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?

King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping


*at psychic reading*

Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time

Me: Ooh you’re good


I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”


Hubby: “Why don’t you ever tell me when you have an orgasm?”
Wife: “I don’t want to bother you while you are at work.”


If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.


If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.


*trimming the tree

Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.


Next season on Game of Thrones they’re actually going to come to your house and start killing the people watching.


I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.


[renovating house]

ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?