Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]

Her: Explain Twitter to me

Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?

H: Yes

Me: Much the same, just less compassion

She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.

So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”

[aliens dissecting humans]

alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol

alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it

alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this

landlord: i’m raising your rent

me: am i getting more house

I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.

my name if I was in the mob

[spelling bee]

Judge- Your word is dirty.

Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?

Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…

Me- Does it want to be spanked?

[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]

Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here

Server: That’s a croque monsieur

M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please

I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo

the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.

not to brag, but mine was free

genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you

Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!

Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes

Cop: The fashion police

Me *kicking my crocs off* shit

Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.

“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do

one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom

just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened

centipede: *gets down on one knee*

girlfriend: omg

centipede: *puts down second knee*

girlfriend: uhm…okay

centipede: *puts down third knee*

girlfriend: please stop

I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.

therapist: what do you see

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see. and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.

If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.

listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth

The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.

Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up

Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?

Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few

yes, those are my real potatoes.

Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”