Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.

I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’

ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done

my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?

CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma

CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid

him: what are you thinking about rn

me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack

“Awkward silences are the worst”

*Someone, inventing the kazoo… probably

The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat

When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills

ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print

When kids say they’re bored…

new parent: let’s go outside

seasoned parent: go clean something

NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR

Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest

My guide to NyQuil:

Name brand red: no horse in your head

Store brand green: a horse will be seen

*pronounces carrot like tarot*

Me: Don’t make this weird

Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker

When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.

Who said parenting can’t be fun?

Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise

extrovert: want to come out with us

me: i’ll let you no.

How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie

Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by all

Me:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes

I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”

are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.

Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?

You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.

*walks up with my full head of mongooses*

Medusa: Let’s rock.

this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story

[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there

3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706

My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.