Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.

Baby showers are so weird.

It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.

Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.

I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde

When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station

Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.

Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*

I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.

me *swallowing pride*

baby lion: holy shit

two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”

Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.

“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.

[Lou Bega voice]

One, two, three four

[Proclaimers voice]

five hundred miles

Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?

My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.

Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant

Me: Oh my god

[later that day]

Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk

i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street

I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.

Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool

That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.

I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes

Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?

Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?

CEO: Genius!

Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on

Me:

Therapist:

Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?

Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away

Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.

Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.

(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)

Wife: have you registered here before?

Matrix: idk, put my email in.

(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.

Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.

Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.

Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop

Batman: *eyes welling*

Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.

3: I’m adding another option!

Me: *

*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.

Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket