Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.

I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.

Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…

*died in your arms tonight*

*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*

*buried in the woods the day after that*

Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.

13: Did you know that the youngest photo of you is also the oldest photo of you?

Me: ok Socrates time for bed

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.

[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few

Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.

Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?

Me: Yeah, so?

Him: There’s one small piece left.

Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.

Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.

Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.

What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?

Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?

Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–

Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT

Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates

THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?

Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.

You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..

If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.

Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?

God created women and the devil taught her to smile.

Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”

My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.

You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom

Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY

Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.

His need for me and only me.

• The cat wants to be fed.

“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”

…uhhhh, for driving in space?

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.

why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines

I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds