Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*waits several days to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

*waits a week to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that

*waits a month to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”

The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.

“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows

Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!

Ground control: He says he loves you very much

Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?

Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.

My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes

Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute

As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.

When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange

Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever

General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet

Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED

sumtimes i go 2 hard tho

There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me

Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.

Me: Do I have to?

Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.

Me: *moonwalks to the car*

At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?

I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality

“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”

My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.

[supermarket – empty shelves]

me: everyone is hordeing

her: I think you mean hoarding

me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean

[jaws theme plays]

Me: omg

Shark groom: omg she’s here

Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine

We all have our pet causes.

I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.