[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
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Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
*lint rolls you awake*
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Them: just trust your gut
Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?