Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
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I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?