@briangaar

*interrupts parent & child on bus* Actually thats not true, Wolverine has died many times *they get up* Your mother cant shelter you forever

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@CMFC99

Eventually you’re going to achieve self awareness in a padded cell, staring at your palm, realizing twitter was just all your personalities

@davidkenny100

“The first guy to suggest peeing on a jellyfish sting was called a pervert but it worked”
I said to my wife as she complained of a toothache

@wittwitbarista

Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat

@KeetPotato

[24hr news channel]
news just in..
*director repeats himself into headset*
news justin
*justin just sits there*
READ THE NEWS JUSTIN

@bobvulfov

[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck

@MirrorAdvice

You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.

So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.

@RoosterMustache

ME: want anything for breakfast?

BOSS: just banana

[struggling to hold office door shut]

ANA: let me in!

ME: sorry boss said to ban you

@daemonic3

[Easter Sunday]

Who wants to try my Easter bunny microbrew?

“Dad, don’t”

With extra HOPS!

“Dad, stop”

Happy YEASTER!

[Uncle Ted pukes]

@ninatreemonkey

Guy: so what u up to after this?

Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley

@professorkiosk

God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.