*interrupts parent & child on bus* Actually thats not true, Wolverine has died many times *they get up* Your mother cant shelter you forever

You Might Also Like


Eventually you’re going to achieve self awareness in a padded cell, staring at your palm, realizing twitter was just all your personalities


“The first guy to suggest peeing on a jellyfish sting was called a pervert but it worked”
I said to my wife as she complained of a toothache


Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat


[24hr news channel]
news just in..
*director repeats himself into headset*
news justin
*justin just sits there*


WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck


You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.

So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.


ME: want anything for breakfast?

BOSS: just banana

[struggling to hold office door shut]

ANA: let me in!

ME: sorry boss said to ban you


[Easter Sunday]

Who wants to try my Easter bunny microbrew?

“Dad, don’t”

With extra HOPS!

“Dad, stop”


[Uncle Ted pukes]


Guy: so what u up to after this?

Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley


God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.