[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
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heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔
Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end
I wonder who thought it was a good idea to put dart boards in bars.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
they finally got him. they got macavity
I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.
How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven