[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
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My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
SF is the wild wild west man
“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
They got Raph!
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days