MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
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Just parrot things
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.