Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
[Interrupts the wedding vows] it’s open bar right?
You Might Also Like
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.
This is an ugly term. This “Stalker”. I prefer unpaid investigator.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Me: God damn it.