@JohnnyCrash5

[Interrupts the wedding vows] it’s open bar right?

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@Kica333

Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open

@girl_a_whirl

[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]

“The”

*bounce*

“British”

*bounce*

“are”

*bounce*

“coming!!”

*bounce*
*bounce*

@Scdavis24

Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.

@Cryptic1iam

This is an ugly term. This “Stalker”. I prefer unpaid investigator.

@SteveSuckington

“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”

How bout some chairs?

“That idea sucks”

A little pond to throw money in?

“Oh hell yeah”

@whereami18

A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.