[Interrupts the wedding vows] it’s open bar right?

You Might Also Like


Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open


[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]










Getting back with your ex is like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.


This is an ugly term. This “Stalker”. I prefer unpaid investigator.


“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”

How bout some chairs?

“That idea sucks”

A little pond to throw money in?

“Oh hell yeah”


A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.


Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.