“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
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Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.