Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.

Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.

Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*

Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.

My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.

[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.

[trying to ride a horse]

ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!

GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children

i guess his teacher was really pissed

Tony Hawk, age 6

A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.

dutch is not a serious language

Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.

I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”

I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.

I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.

i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess

Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”

Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”

Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.

I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.

I should be back in about eight days.

LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.

[Extremely heavy metal voice]

HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY

Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?

Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?

Hubs: Touché

the greatest twitter interaction

so

the limit is 412 chicken nuggets

*walks into Apple store

“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”

*walks out of Apple store

They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people

Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.

I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.

And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”

Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.