*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
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“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away