Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘I’ll cut a bitch.’

– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.

If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”

I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.

I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING

“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”

I slowly look up. My time has come…

In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.

Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?

[second date]

“April Fools”

*gets up and leaves

6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not

beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics

A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…

Me: it’s time to go to sleep

3: Nope, I don’t think so

Me: who asked you?!

How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?

My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.

Son: What’s dehydrated milk?

Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.

Me: Moocaine

Wife: Why are you like this?

Wife: I hate that thing

Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!

Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico

Me: It’s a collector’s item!

Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”

Me:

Wife:

Me: You want me to toss it?

Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties

“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”

-my family

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too

I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.

The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.

My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence

I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it

“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”

Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.

Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.

Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.

My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on

Her: I want you to leave me breathless

Me: *hides her inhaler

me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks