*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
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My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
It must be so weird to be straight or gay.. like ur just not attracted to half of hot people?
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”