Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
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the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
What
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Am I having a stroke?
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?