Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I feel good

My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”

Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.

ME: Im a secret agent

THEM: With like the FBI

ME: Idk its a secret

“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.

Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

ME: make every guy afraid of me

GENIE: as u wish

ME: (a tampon): son of a

Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*

Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.

Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.

The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.

Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.

Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.

Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.

What the hell is going on in that bathroom?

Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?

Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely

what did president abe lincoln call his journal?

…his lincoln logs

My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water

You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?

That’s the whole month of January for me

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*

“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”

why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.

Dance like you’re not the father

Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,

“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”

The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.

I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.

Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’

Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’

Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’

spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them

I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet

CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?

ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no