Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*

Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:

Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?

Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.

Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?

my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo

Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.

I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.

How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?

My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.

“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”

Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me

“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”

Brain: Perfect!

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.

When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.

TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.

Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.

Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.

I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?

*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*

My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.

My nephew: Ok i’ll try.

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.

I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it

Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”

Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?

Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away

A bird: you’ve got me there

Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is

A bird: pardon

I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.

The pharmacist smiles kindly.

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program

ME: I’ll do it

FBI: Your wife and kids too

ME: Never mind

A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”

Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.

11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!

*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*

Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?

Me: I think I’m just scared of change.

Therapist: *flips a quarter*

Me: *screams*