Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve disappointed better people.

Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.

A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life

I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.

My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…

Me, in the DMV waiting room

Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.

Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.

Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?

Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy

My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name

I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.

People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!

i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell

before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule

mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san

daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?

mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd

I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence

Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.

Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*

Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.

A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog

[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*

If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief

TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left

Shout out to sidewalks.

Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.

[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.

Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?

Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?

Me: Setting fire to the house?

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise

You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.