Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?

Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.

the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk

“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”

Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL

eats a dozen doughnuts…

*checks for flabs*

Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction

A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.

Bartenders are just boneless bars

Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.

Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.

*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors

dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river

[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.

Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?

It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”

Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight

My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?

Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.

never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome

The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.

[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew

ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors

[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where

I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope

Them: There are no stupid questions

Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?

Them: There is one stupid question

If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.

‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.

I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.

I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption

Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.

Boss: You mean up?

Me: No, updog.

Boss: What’s updog?

Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.

*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*

Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS

Wth?

*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer