Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?

True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.

That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.

A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.

You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.

*Knocks on Misery’s door*

Me: Hey! I heard you love company.

Misery *through mail slot*: not you

What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?

I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.

I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.

Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides

I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.

How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.

Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP

eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.

If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.

Inspirational tweet.

3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall

Me: oh dear god

“How stressed are you?”

Me:

6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈

Me – Why?

6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂

Me – 😢

According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying

I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.

My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere

Clarissa didn’t explain this at all

“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.

WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?

ME: Of course

BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO

To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom

We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.

Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.

Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot

Lady Macbeth: out

Macbeth: but-

Lady Macbeth: OUT

Dentist appointments are so weird. “Hi nice to meet you could you root around in my mouth for a bit?”

Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.