[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
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All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]