Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture

The picture:

Wise advice

A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.

That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.

I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work

Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10

I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.

Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.

I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today

*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*

haha excellent

I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.

I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.

A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.

me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time

Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.

My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call

It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.

I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.

Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.

*At the ouija board*

Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…

Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G

Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?

Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.

Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.

If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.

Every single bad day happened because I woke up

Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.

Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.

If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.

If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.

There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.

*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win

onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it