Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.

Imma get shredded!

Goes to the cheese aisle.

Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.

News: There are aliens in Miami

Internet: meh

News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?

Internet: *yawns*

News: Jews in a tunnel?

Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention

Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.

Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything

tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 🧍🏽‍♀️

Where’d he go? 😂💛

doggosbeingdoggos

forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this

*wants space*

*eats Milky Way*

Make me an entire website @funTweeters!

Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.

When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.

Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.

[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”

mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing

I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.

Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist

Waiter: Ready to order?

Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.

Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.

when u come home smelling like another dog

Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.

My husband can remember the college a football player went to, what year he was drafted, the number he was picked in the draft, and his height, but can’t remember a certain neighbor’s name no matter how many times I tell him it.

[Art Museum]

Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.

Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING

do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like

On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.

Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.