Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.

Pray for me.

My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.

Partner: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Oh why?

Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird

Me: Oh. I see. OK

Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7

They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles

The Ninja Turtles corner him

Mario jumps on them all

[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]

me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!

When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.

Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!

Masseuse: Please stop saying that

You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner

My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?

I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.

When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him

As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.

After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.

3: Who’s that on your shirt?

Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.

3: I don’t like him.

Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist

[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great

My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.

Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs

Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute

Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds

I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea

Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.

This tweet lives in my head rent free.

*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*

“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”

[5 minutes later]

*Throws refrigerator out window*

My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.

There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.

me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously

personal trainer: *just glares*

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk

International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.

[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]

Server: Sir, please

Me: I didn’t say when yet

ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser

My toddler stole bacon off my plate.

We all had a good laugh.

Then I made her move out.