[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
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*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
My neck my back my allergy attack
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?
I do. Now.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it