[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
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why do people always ask “what do your tattoos mean?” bro they mean i had $200 and a free afternoon
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Me: Can I leave work early?
Boss: Only if you make up the time
Me: Ok, It’s 45 past 60
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.