[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
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Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.