Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body

Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?

Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress

Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.

Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.

WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????

Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.

If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.

If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely

My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!

I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.

[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*

I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.

I’m not one of those who will like or retweet something just because I agree with it. I’ll like a tweet purely for it having 665 likes

ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay

TAXI DRIVER: Again, no

date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes

I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.

I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me

Ya I miss me too

Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”

i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now

Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!

Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?

Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..

Well there goes my Wednesday night.

Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.

Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?

Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.

Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.

wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!

*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?

Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh

Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.

Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup

[watching him pack his bag to leave]

Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?

Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.

Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.

He replied with: “Dream on!”

That’s very nice of him, right?

#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning