[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
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[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
found this cool rock hiking today
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
Feels
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.