[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
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Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
I thinking about becoming a cop. Well, not really a cop but a quirky outsider like on TV who shows up at crime scenes and points out all the clues that experienced detectives missed
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope