[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
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THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.