[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
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restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Somebody’s lying.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.