Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.

before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

Wanted:

Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.

No weirdos.

them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope

friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours

me: yeah so

friend: maybe u should turn it on

*puts dreamcatcher above bed*

“Sure hope this works”

*wakes up in the middle of the night*

*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*

“YES”

The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.

The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.

I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.

people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper

My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.

Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.

An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.

One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend

Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.

So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.

No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.

Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.

*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*

It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.

[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?

*Refrigerator hums loudly*

Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no

Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect

Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.

[2nd time at girls house]

“where’s your dog?”

Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting

[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”

“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???

*walks into business conference*

*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*

*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*

If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?

“Is this your resume?”

Yes

“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”

Yes

“Welcome to UPS!”