Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away

I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.

“Eat me,” said the noun

“Say what?” said the verb.

“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.

“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.

me: my car makes a funny noise

mechanic: that’s the horn

[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse

I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.

I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.

Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:

If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day

a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?

Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend

How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.

This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy

a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”

Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.

Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…

My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.

Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.

Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.

So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.

My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything

My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing

Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.

i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car

Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.

Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.

I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment

*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird

Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink

God: you’re a coyote.

Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?

God: Heavenly Way.

Coyote: what about your first pets name?

God: Sprinkles : )

Coyote: awww last four of your social?

God: 0001, why?

Coyote: no reason.

[later]

Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.

Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.

Drill sergeant: …

Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.

When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.