[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
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I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
*has no idea what a book even is*
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?