Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”

[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]

*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*

It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets

Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.

Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises

Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out

FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!

My comment: So was the Titanic.

[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]

I guess it’s time to shave for summer.

*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl

Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.

next question.

How can you call yourself a pervert?

I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.

I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.

I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.

When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.

I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.

*sigh

He’s never gonna let me down.

Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time

why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

Player 1: There goes his funny bone.

Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!

Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!

My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second

ME: what’s wrong

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence

Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.

I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.

Hashtag blessed.

Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19

Good morning, Twitter x

me: I’ll take this goth pear

cashier: that’s an avocado

I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.

New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.

This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean