Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch

trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater

I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.

i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took

hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol

Mum: get me a plate

Me: which plate?

Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter

*brings plate*

Mum: no not that one

Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months

They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.

i did the math

Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.

Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room

For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.

You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.

No. You cannot have both.

My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.

ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.

This is a bad idea on so many levels.

My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”

Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.

i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands

You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !

I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.

Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger. 

DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:

-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money

If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.

Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.

Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.

Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.

Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.

How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?

Casual sex robots have rebooty calls

If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.

I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am