Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How I like cutting carbs

Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…

Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?

One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.

I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make

I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag

This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.

one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist

Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.

First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*

People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too

Plot twist:

“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda

Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.

Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.

I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.

Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.

My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭

I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.

2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out

Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep

Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken

Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen

Me:what is this CSI?

[Alien vs Predator]

Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

Cashier: How are you today?

Me: You too.

🤦🏻‍♂️

Me: *checking weather on phone*

3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?

Me:

3:

Me: Yes, we go way back.

Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up

RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?

My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.

yea so i messed up lol

My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.

Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.