[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
You Might Also Like
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
How times have changed.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
This is my bus stop.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.