According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
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HR: know why you’re here?
Me: I put my tongue in the candy cutter
Union: well..unsafe..but fired?
HR: the candy cutter’s name is Trish
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
The rodents in my home are so damn big, they step in the glue traps and wear them like flip-flops around the house.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single