Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade

“The weatherman isn’t real!”

-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character

One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.

I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.

Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕

Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar

therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear

me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet

I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”

I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment

fixed it

GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.

I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.

I hope this email finds you-

Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close

One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.

science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”

if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.

If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.

When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can

I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face

picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?

*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room

my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter

Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?

Amazon: It’s 15% off.

Me: Well, in that case…

Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends

fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes

me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no

Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?

can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”

me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?

wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns

My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better