Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: what are you doing?!

Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale

*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime

I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.

Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.

The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.

dutch so unserious

Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.

My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.

The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG

When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down

-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest

I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.

My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.

In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.

A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.

When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.

Neither of us has slept in 16 years.

Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)

Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.

Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.

Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.

I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there

the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps

I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.

Receives a compliment

Me: no sorry we don’t do that here

Captain: Did you break the sonar again?

Me: Yessir. I’m sorry

Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings

I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot

50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.

Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow

“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H

My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war