Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.

*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*

ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park

“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber

*moves all unread emails to trash

Omg I got so much done today.

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?

ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that

[meeting the parents]

Dad: what do you think of Baroque?

Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.

She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.

My middle finger will be answering all questions today!

Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.

Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog

You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.

washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out

I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.

There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?

And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.

The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.

[on a Ferris wheel]

Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding

IT: You deleted the OS?

Me: I think so.

IT: It didn’t warn you?

Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?

A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…

Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻

My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.

“you recording!?”

can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us

The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.

A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.

Inventing The Octopus-

God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?

just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress

Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.

No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.