@elle91

[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg

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@tastefactory

2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over

@HansGrubertron

[During sex]

ME: Am I making you wet?

HER: Yes

ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying

@Try2StopME

She: You have a girlfriend?

He: No. I had one, though.

She: Where did she go?

He: She #Ransomware

@WheelTod

Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to

@david8hughes

God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what

@MichaelTrying

As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”