2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
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ME: Am I making you wet?
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
She: You have a girlfriend?
He: No. I had one, though.
She: Where did she go?
He: She #Ransomware
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”