@elle91

[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg

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@Jez1

What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.

@pleatedjeans

My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth

@Tmoney68

I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.

@KLobstar

[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX

@wolfmannjr

Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again

@lilgapeach30

Ate reduced fat cheese on low calorie bread and my taste buds had me indicted for hate crimes.

@KentWGraham

If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.

@Darlainky

I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!