Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg

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What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.


My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth


I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.


[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX


Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again


Ate reduced fat cheese on low calorie bread and my taste buds had me indicted for hate crimes.


If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.


I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!