Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.

[at the pub]

I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.

Her: Quit talking to me

Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders

Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up

Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.

But I don’t like to point fingers.

Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.

You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃

Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?

Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad

Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid

[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]

wife: I should have been the one to do it

me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house

i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict

If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.

My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.

When you take Google Maps too seriously.

toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.

*watching movie with demon killer clown*

Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom

Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.

alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon

Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.

-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.

There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one

Getting closure is important.

*lies on bed to zip up jeans*

Alexa, make out with the Roomba

Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.

Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!

I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.

[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows

Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥

like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down

Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11

My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?

Day 27 without sports:

Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.