Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: Wow you look great.

ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.

Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.

Friend: I can’t sleep.

Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?

Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.

[pediatricians office]

8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!

Me: Please don’t say it like that.

Just looked up my son’s search history.

Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.

Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.

“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”

Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”

It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down

[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket

Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?

All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.

batter: *hits homer*

Simpson: ow

Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient

Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.

That escalated quickly

– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.

I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.

Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?

When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question

BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today

ME: oh, wow

BARISTA: yup

[awkward pause]

ME: could…could you get it down?

My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.

Most populated places in the world:

1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell

Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.

[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?

[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.

According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.

My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.

After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…

Now what do I do?

Otters drive ottermobiles.

they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”

i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.

Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?