[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
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brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
him: you any good at throwing axes
me: just call me lizzie borden
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones